Getting Comfortable with Discomfort

I had the honour of being a panellist on the Living Mindfully panel, at the 2020 South West Wellness Symposium, Living in Balance within Community. This was my first public speaking event since 2013, and I was terrified! Being a relatively new health professional to the south west (we moved here at Christmas 2018), this seemed like such a huge risk to take.

"What if no one is interested in hearing what I have to say?”

“What if I say something stupid?”

“What if I am not knowledgeable enough to respond to questions in front of a live (and online!) audience?”

“What if I make a fool of myself?”

In my teens and early adulthood, I would have responded to such fears by politely declining the invitation. The risk was too great. But over the years, through a mixture of personal therapy (yes, we Psych’s engage in therapy too!), and my journey with mindfulness practice, I came to realise that there was too much to lose by avoiding the risk.

You heard me correctly, I had missed out on too many opportunities and experiences by letting my fears dictate my decisions. I had not applied for dream jobs, quit good jobs, and even withdrew a Clinical Psych. Masters application due to fear of failure and of negative judgement. Ultimately, I was afraid that I wasn’t good enough, so if I kept myself small, and in my comfort zone of success, I would be happy. The only thing is, I wasn’t happy. I had many regrets and I knew that my life could be so much more than it was.

 Which brings me to a theme that emerged naturally, and was interwoven, across the four sessions at the Symposium.

We need to get comfortable with discomfort. 

You see, across the lifespan, we do what we can to avoid feeling uncomfortable. Feeling uncomfortable triggers a perception that something is wrong, that we need to “fix it”, leading to increased arousal in our fight/flight/freeze response. Of course, if there is a problem that we can fix, then great. However, the issue is that when we perceive our thoughts and feelings as a threat, we can’t escape them. Sure there are temporary ways of seeking refuge through distraction and avoidance strategies, but none of them lead to a permanent solution. We still find ourselves experiencing sadness, worry, anger, frustration, boredom, regret….. you get the picture.

 So, what does getting comfortable with discomfort look like?

Firstly, it’s about recognising that the discomfort is there. For me, when I received the invitation to be on the panel, I noticed pride and excitement were quickly followed by fear and the urge to say “no”. “Ah, here it is again, fear of failure.”

Secondly, I paused. A pause is such a powerful way to interrupt the fear-based reaction. It allows space for conscious reflection and mindful responding. “What do I need in THIS moment?”

Next, I took some mindful breaths. I practice mindful breathing by observing my breath as it is naturally. I don’t forcibly change it, but generally the act of noticing the breath leads to it slowing down all by itself. From a physiological perspective it makes perfect sense; if you are not feeding your anxious thoughts and feelings (because you are watching your breath), then the fight/flight/freeze response is deactivated and the body can relax. When the body relaxes, it is easier for the mind to relax because it is not being driven by physiological fear responses.

Once I had recognised and acknowledged the fear of failure, and paused to mindfully breathe, I connected with my values and intentions to remind myself that I want to live wholeheartedly and courageously; to do what matters even when it feels hard. My move to the south west was very much about becoming part of community, both personally and professionally. You can’t feel true belonging when you keep yourself small for fear of failing. (If you are interested in these ideas, then check out Brene Brown’s book “Daring Greatly”, or watch her TED Talks on shame and vulnerability).

So, I then said “yes”, despite the fear of failure. To be clear, the fear of failure was still present. In fact, it was present right up to the time of the panel, and even after it had concluded. Let’s face it, our judging minds don’t stop……

"What did people think?”

“How did I do?”

“Did people like what I had to say?”

“Were my responses helpful to others?”

The thing is, even though the fear was still there, I was proud of myself. I had engaged in values-guided action; I did what mattered, even in the presence of fear. And I held my fear gently, kindly and with an attitude of acceptance. 

That’s what living mindfully is all about.

Please keep in mind that I have been practising mindfulness in different forms over the past 20 years. It did not come naturally to me, and can still be challenging when my mind is particularly hooked by life’s challenges. So if you read this blog and became hooked by your own judgements about whether mindfulness is for you, please notice the thoughts and feelings, pause, notice your breath and see if you can take a step back from your gut reactions. If you are at all interested in learning more about mindfulness, check out Shannon Harvey’s “My Year of Living Mindfully” or Dr Russ Harris’ “The Happiness Trap”. Of course, if you would like personalised support, you are welcome to contact me to make an appointment

Author: Amiee Pember, Community Psychologist, Mindful Living Psychology